Breathe Tessie

I am sitting here at 4:45 am with an elephant on my chest. I have avoided writing about this because I was in the middle of trying to handle it but now I think it would be a good time to write about it because if I don't I won't get through this time in my life.

There are two major things going on in my life right now my mom is homeless and needs to be taken care of...and the other is my derby group.

First my mom. She had a major heart attack a couple weeks ago. I have been trying to be strong which means I have not broken down to cry or thought about the implication of the fact that my mother had a heart attack since I found out. I have been in push forward mode. Trying to get her here and take care of her. Then I find out that I can not bring her because her heart is too bad to bring her here. So now I have been in...we need to get back to her mode. She disappears I have no idea what assisted living home she is because she would not tell me. I am just so tired and done for.

I have been sick with worry and I barely sleep because I am trying to hear for the phone for a phone call saying she is alright for bad news about something happening to her. This week her phone should be on I should be able to hear from her so I sit and wait and keep the tears at bay. She makes it so hard to help her. She is holding on to this notion that children should not help and I am not sure why she thinks that. All I want to do is take care of her the same way she took care of me.

I am starting to cry . Ok so while I am waiting for this I start a roller derby group. I am freaking excited I have always wanted to Roller derby and while this is happening I can take my mind of my insane worry about my mother. I have something I can throw myself into and new friends I can concentrate on making.

Then shit hits the fan. I am accused of putting the team in danger and misleading them by someone who wants the team. She tried to start a team before and it didn't work out. The only reason it worked out when I did was because there was a new rink that was built right when I was looking for places for us to practice.

So she is now in Charge and I am the helper ok I am depressed but I REALLY REALLY want this team to get off the ground so during the time Nathan has his tonsils removed I try to deal with my depression...which is much worst because of what is going on with my mom.....and to find everything I need to turn over to the team. I do my damnest to be helpful and to not be uncomfortable because I have been feeling like people do not like me and I am not sure what I did to cause this feeling in people.

When I started the group I started an e-mail address. Well like always I have all kinds of things coming to the e-mail and when the group was taken from me they wanted my e-mail address. I wasn't sure about giving it up cause I had some stuff in there but I did not want to appear petty like I was trying to hold on to it so I deleted everything in the box since I am pack rat and also because we didn't need any of the e-mails forwarded everything I was taking care of to my e-mail box and turned the e-mail over. I then wake up to see that I am being told I performed a hateful and nasty act by clearing the box out. I did not permanently delete anything so I didn't really see the problem and since it was MY e-mail account before I didn't really see the big deal about the e-mails. But I was more hurt that someone would think so low of me . But I was able to deal and then this morning

I was removed from the face book group. I am so upset and just down on myself I am now wondering why I thought this would work. Why I thought I would make friends why I thought after all this time of trying to be friends with women I would find friendship support or any of that on a team full of women?

My feelings are hurt I am tired of feeling like everything I say is going to be used as a weapon against me. I wanted to skate and make friends and create something fun for women to do in the area and now I feel like I am not even wanted on the team that I created.

I need help what should I do? Where do I go from here. Should I just keep doing what I have been doing and bow down so that there is less drama? Or do I fight back? I feel like she is trying to push me out. Do I leave?

As I go through this I wish my mom was here. She would be there for me 100 percent no matter how crazy she is I can count on her to be there for me to help me. I want to be there to help her I worry so much about her and where she is and where she is sleeping. I am pissed she won't let me help her...I am pissed that my family was so broken that when the dust settled the whole family is split and no one is talking enough to help this woman. I am PISSED at my so called father for doing this to my mother. I am angry with my sister for being a cold hearted bitch.

I am mad at myself for being upset and angry about women not liking me. I am mad that this all is happening to me I want to hit something or someone I want to move away I want to lay down all day because it hurts to think to move around to deal with this shit.

But I can't and I won't give up. My mom needs me. She needs me to be with her she needs me to help her I WILL help her.

As for Derby I started this group to skate if this chick wants the team bad enough to make me out to be a nasty person this she can have it. I am strapping on my skates and skating my way through this. I have no choice because I can't allow myself to sink further into depression. My children, husband and mom need me. I have to be able to cope with what is coming and to deal with Nathan's doctor's appts and my moms situation and with my little brother deploying.

I am at going to be fine. I will be I can do this I can cut the drama out and just do what I need to do.

It will be alright. I will find my mom and I will take care of her and I will keep being me.