Sunday, August 8, 2010

Falling Flat Post

I have been drifting lately. I found a new passion-Roller Derby. But trying to channel the energy I have for my found passion was hard because of my worry about not passing and staying in my program in college. I suffered a confidence break down as I worried that I was not doing a good job that I wasn't going in the direction I wanted in life that I was falling flat on my ass.

This morning I checked my grades...I passed my math class. I will graduate on time. I will open my preschool when I get back to the states or sooner if hubby deploys for a 365. I sat up most of last night creating list and organizing thinking up ideas for all the various projects in my life. I sat and looked at the list of things I am trying to work on.

Getting the Spouses Group going again
Getting the Roller Derby Team up and Running
Getting my lesson plans together for Kindermusik classes for the fall
Finishing my Classes so I can graduate.

It seems like a lot. I realized that as I have people telling me constantly "You do so much!" When I feel like I don't lol. My personality demands that I have things to do. It demands that I be a helpful person that I put myself out there and wear my heart on my sleeve because I am at my best when I providing something for others to enjoy. The biggest swipe at my confidence can be when I am turning others away from me or for me to find out people do not like me. Because I try my best to be kind and helpful and nice to all people.

This also made me realize that people mistake my joking around, my kindness, my wanting to make feel at ease around me as someone who is not invested or maybe I come across as too invested I am not sure. But learning how to let people see the real me especially other women has been a constant struggle in my life.

I do not often get along with other women. My voice it high, they think I am stupid slow over confident under confident too nice blah blah blah. Various other things that I have done to offend and I feel like shit about but can not fix. My new mantra has to be "I can not please everyone" Because it is what I try to do. I want everyone to be happy with the choices I make to be ok with what I have decided. But what do I do as I realize that I can not change the core of who I am to make myself seem MORE acceptable to others? As I grow older and I realize that no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough for everyone but I can be good enough for myself. I need to draw strength and conviction from myself I need to have my approval about the choices that I make.

I am fully happy, capable and strong enough to be the person that I need to be in this life. I need to exude this to others. I want other people to see that I am all the things I know I am and can be in this life.

I need to not allow the way I grew up and the antisocial ways of my mother to over take my natural inclination to Be outgoing. When I am hurt...upset or feel unsupported I want to just quit. But I dislike quitters. So I must work to curb this habit I need to be able to see that MY decisions are mines and no one else's and that I am the only person that can control how I react or do not react to the things around me.

I am going to try super hard to work on myself for the coming new year. Because without feeling good about myself I am not going to be able to focus my attention on the projects that I want to do this year :)-Tessie

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