Learning about self

I have been doing massive deep thinking about myself and my family since I began cooking and baking. I am currently sitting in my quiet house watching Little Man Tate listening to the dishwasher whirl and one of my children cough as he takes his nap and I feel so....Blessed. I am not one to throw around the words blessed or to say God has helped me to get the things I want in life. Because well I believe that God is there to listen and that has been the way in which God has given me strength. Not by giving me what I have wanted because believe me I would be rich if I got what I wanted! But listening when I needed someone and had no one. This is important and where me faith lies. In the knowledge that I have someone listening and helping me even when I fall he listens as I dust myself off and rant rave and continue to lumber through life.

I say lumber because I am not graceful and I highly doubt my life would ever have gone smoothly without a dent or two in my heart because I am me and I run head first into everything I do. I made the grand decision to open a home preschool and my out look on life has just brighten in every possible way. I am going to be able to give children a great start in life with the help of their parents with a fun start in education. How cool is that? But most important for me? I am able to stay home.

All this time I have been going to school thinking I needed to be out in the world, that I would not be happy as a stay at home mom. But I surprise myself with how unhappy I become with running around constantly. Wanting to be home by 330 so that I can start dinner for the kids. Wanting to be the one that teaches them their numbers and reading and such. I am very much excited about the fact that I can be home to help the kids with their homework and to take them to karate or to play at the park after school. It was not my dream when I joined the military at the age of 18. I have had my mom and others tell me they were disappointed in the fact that I got out of the military instead of staying in. Trying to explain your choices to people who can't understand how hard the military life can be on dual military couples...especially cop couples is hard. I mean it hurt having people tell me I was disappointing them but the people I can't disappoint are my children. I give mad props to dual military people. The lifestyle is not easy. Nor is it easy for one parent to leave their child. I just could not imagine my marriage breaking down because one of us would always be deployed because of our jobs.

I did not work today I took care of the house was able to bake and start dinner rather early do preschool time and read two books to my kids. It was an awesome day. I have friends without kids and I am not sure if they understand how I am living now a days. How I can't just get up and go places or that my child makes noise and that they do not always behave. It becomes stressful going out with people when they do not understand that flying by the seat of the pants is not a way I can live anymore, I have to plan EVERYTHING. If I don't I can stress myself out or my children.

I don't know Sometimes I am not sure I should even try to make friends anymore. I mean I am pretty good at making a couple but I always feel like I am turning someone off or insulting them. Or they don't like my children. My children come right along with me. So sorry if they make too much noise or they are not perfect at the age of 4 or 2. They are my crazy asses and I love them with all my heart and will punch anyone who wants to put them down.

I always want to punch in the face people who want to judge my parenting but have no children. How dare you sit there is tell me your child will NEVER act like this when you have none.

These are my thoughts and rants what do you think?