Star Date 10042014

So much to say and not sure where to start

 I am not a life style guru. I am a small business owner, mother and wife. I would LOVE to be able to say that at this point and time my house is perfect. It was totally clean and all the clothes were clean and in their proper place. But the truth is my house is lived in. Next to me is unfolded laundry, the kitchen has dirty dishes and two of my three bathrooms need to be cleaned.


And yet here I sit getting ready to type about something I have seen online. Because the internet gives me free reign to do so. :)

There are serious things happening in the world. Some of them are hitting me deeply and I have not yet worked out how to write about them without coming off unreasonable. Which is something I do not want to do because, what I have to speak about deserves more respect than that. What I want to say needs to be well thought out so that I will have the possibility of actually reaching someone and opening their eyes.  So instead I am going to what I do best and make you smile tonight. Tomorrow I am going to smack you all about the face with some hard truths. I want to cushion the slaps with some humor.

GOOP

I want to speak to you today about GOOP. Also Martha Stewart. Mostly GOOP. I surfed Goop's website after speaking with a good friend who will be referred too as Ms. J. Ms. J had some strong words about Goop. I had only heard and never experienced GOOP and since I like life style websites and blogs and learning about new things I wondered why I had not been more exposed to Goop. I now know why after looking around at the site.

IT'S CAUSE I'M POOR!

I am not even joking. While I know there are some things I can not do but like about Martha Stewart's brand, I do not feel bad I can't do them because there is often another way offered in my price range. I have Martha's dish set in my cabinet right now that I got for Christmas. (They were on sale on base). Goop is not the same thing. You know how I know that. The GOLDEN JUICER. What in the world do you do with a Golden Juicer. I mean do you wake up in the morning and say "I need golden juice" . I mean why?

This juicer was in the gift guide. Now if I had 4000 dollars to spend would a juicer to give to someone else REALLY be the thing I would do? Lets forget the fact that 4000 dollars is probably a whole months pay check for some people. But to spend it on a juicer?! I wish this was the only crazy thing on this list (she admits it's crazy you guys). There was a 450 dollar jacket for a child. 450 dollars...on a child that will wipe their nose on the sleeves and drag the jacket on the ground.

So from just these two shining examples I know that I am not the target of this site. I am too poor. I am not spending 100 dollars on a shirt or children shoes or 500 dollars on a backgammon game (how the hell do you play that?!).

Now we move on to the crazy that is the creator of this Goop... (what the piss does that mean?!).  I will freely admit that I do not follow celebrities very much. This is going to sound snotty...but I have better things to do Like type about them in a blog :)

So I was not very well versed in the fab sayings of GP. But now I am! So lets post up the link for you guys
. http://stylecaster.com/gwyneth-paltrow-most-ridiculous-pretentious-quotes/

Read and do not absorb. It could hurt your brain. Seriously. I mean if these are the things she is going around and saying its no surprise that people are hating on her! For example (just one I have to go to sleep since I work in the morning and have no nanny)..... I think the craziest quote had to be her comparing the negative things she reads online about herself is akin to going to war. Seriously trick? You wanna compare that to war? Or the feelings someone comes away with when in war? Don't be that person. That person who has become too rich to know when to shut up. Yes it is horrible to read bad things about yourself in magazines. But lets not get all crazy...wait too late for that.

She went to war with negative reviews and she has scars and injuries. No actually she has a Golden Juicer.

Live Long and Juice some veggies

Star date......320131

You annoy me....

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/internet-husband

Today we are gonna talk about husbands. WARNING: This is not a mushy post. I do not do those. So does your husband annoy you? Does he refuse to help around the house? Does he complain about helping with laundry or the dishes? Take a billion years to do one chore. Slap you on your ass as you are going down the stairs and almost causes you to fall. Listen to you talk about your job and then says "What did you say?" After 20 min?

It's time to get that ass.

Alright so I was given this amazing topic by a very good friend. Some would call her the white version of me.....but I am meaner when pushed. So she had some great ideas like washing only the clothes in the hamper which means none of his clothes get washed cause his are always on the floor. Or changing the code on the xbox apply ear phones and watch the fireworks for hours. These are awesomesauce ideas. I lurves them if you do them please post the results.

Now here is what I do when I annoy Mister J.

5. Order the children to jump on him in the morning before he has woken up. Direct one to punch him in the junk.-This serves as a reminder that you made them and you can control (for the most part) their actions. I rule the demons I spawned. The benefits of pushing children from womb. Also it's quite funny watching him get totally upset when he is woken up suddenly from the hit. Now if you do this please make sure that your children do not listen to him when orders revenge. My children are loyal to me and only me. I am 22 a Princess and no one jumps on me. He is old and grey. WIN!!

4. Wait til he gets home and tell him you didn't make dinner....then ask him to go back out and get the thing you are craving.-This means limited speaking for the rest of the night and you can avoid the sex if you are not feeling it. Use this one sparingly because there is a chance it could back fire and leave you with nothing you want and then you are actually pissed off instead of amused when he gets a wild hair and refuses to go.

3. Promise sex in the morning...then be tired at bed time.-Nuff said

2. Put his least favorite veggie inside the dinner and then tell what you did.- He will act childish for the rest of the night cause you ruined his dinner and there will be left overs for the next day.

1. The number one thing? Poke and tickle him awake and then hold his nose closed and whisper "Fuckery" In his ear in the morning. It will piss him off and annoy him until no end and make him so mad that you think he will explode.

You are probably thinking... "Why I am glad I didn't marry her". Trust me I am awesome and you wish I was there to do these things to you.

Live long and annoy someone.