Thursday, July 19, 2012
Working Derby Playing Housewife :)
So I have been away for awhile...again. I have turned into a bad blogger since I moved and for that I am very sorry! But in my defense I have been very very busy! I have my preschool up and running (YAY), I am training to become a skater with the Diamond State Roller Girls. My steps back into the derby world is actually what inspired this post.
I am a working housewife. I call myself that because I am a housewife with a job that I work from home. I need a hobby and even with the disaster that my first introduction into derby turned out to be it was really a surprise that I would want to join another team. But I have been bit by the derby bug and I refused to judge a whole sport by a bad experience. So I grabbed some derby skates and joined a team.
It took me until today to realize why I have been feeling so out of sorts about the whole thing.... I am waiting for a group of people to decide there is something wrong with me, to decide that I am too weird that I have done something to cause them to doubt my ability to do anything related to the team.
I stand on the outskirts sometimes unsure of where my place should be. I am a preschool teacher and a stay at home mom. My going out time IS derby. The most awesome story I can relate that has happened to me recently would be that I cleaned the bathroom after seven boys ages 2-5. Yes, you can say it I am fucking brave! I mean who does that?! Seven toddler boys, I mean just...WOW! No? are you not impressed? Well imagine having to be on the receiving end of the telling of that story....ooh shit I guess you just were.
So what do I contribute to the team...well right now nothing. I thought I had horrible shin splints. Like the kind of pain that makes you want to hack off your leg to get away from it. I would put the pain about a rung below giving birth, only because something the size of a small watermelon was pulled from me as I screamed curse words at whoever was near and this pain while horrible only made me pissed off at me. Turns out I have a fracture.
Wanna hear my inner monologue?
"GO BITCH GO!!"
"My leg it's giving out"
"GO BITCH GO!!"
"My leg gave out"
Yeah I am real nice to myself right? lol No seriously though. I am my biggest critic. I KNOW I can do this I am being held back due to injuries. I had shin splints in the military but the pain was nothing compared to what it is now. Then I found out it's not the shin splints......Its the fracture. I am having a bone scan. So in the back of my mind I hear other people saying I should never have joined derby, that I am not derby material wondering why I am here when I keep stepping off the track thinking I am using my leg as an excuse when really I am just winded and don't want to admit it.
I am driving myself crazy. So I am horrible at making people like me. I have a high pitched voice and I talk....A LOT. Unless you actually sit down with me you might be under the impression that I have no real thoughts that I am not a team player. Then you talk to me and you see that (or I hope you see that) I have a wide range of interest, politics, history, comic books, video games, anything you can think of. I am just hard to get too I guess sometimes lol. When I am trying to prove I know I can do something I become quiet and focused....I look mean. I am just trying to concentrate don't worry I won't act my color during practice...now after practice lol.
I think my problem or problemsss, is that I am too hard on myself and I don't trust that people can actually look and see that I am a nice person. So I stand on the fringe of the group looking in and never feeling quite like I belong, wishing I did feel that feeling so many people have been able to feel when around those of like minds but not quite feeling it because I am being pessimistic....which if you know me is actually quite the opposite of how I usually think.
What does this have to do with me being a working housewife? Oh well maybe nothing but I think the name is fucking awesome and had to slip it in to this blog post :)
Live Long and Get Low!
The Derby Housewife :)